The Next Conversation by Jefferson Fisher

Author:Jefferson Fisher [Fisher, Jefferson]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Penguin Publishing Group
Published: 2025-03-18T00:00:00+00:00

“I hate to bother you.”

“I know this might sound stupid.”

“Forgive me for the dumb question.”

“I’m probably missing something here.”

“You probably know better than me.”

Listen. I understand that you saying these things comes from a good place—I do. You want to soften your approach, almost in a humble, self-deprecating tone. And that’s admirable. But it’s not often received that way by the listener.

Instead, the signal you’re sending is that you see yourself as less. It sounds more like you’re hedging to lower their expectations of your contribution. It casts a shadow of doubt over your capabilities before you’ve even fully shared them.

As a result, the other person will associate these words with your actual impact and influence. That is, when you say, “I hate to bother you,” what the other person hears is: “What I’m about to tell you will bother you.” Or that what you’re about to say will sound stupid, or the question you’re about to ask is dumb. None of these messages are assertive. It’s similar to the discussion about over-apologizing. It’s like you’re apologizing for taking up space, which is the exact opposite of assertive language. When you use these sorts of phrases, you also put a social obligation on the other person to relieve or forgive you by saying, “Oh, you’re not bothering me,” or “It’s not a dumb question.” It forces the two of you to have a mini conversation about your insecurity before you even get to your point. By framing your interactions with an undersell, you inadvertently reinforce the idea that your voice is not worth hearing, or is worth less than others’.

You also undersell yourself when you add the phrase “Does that make sense?” after your sentence. I understand that it comes from a need to feel assured that what you said came across the right way, that you’re seeking validation that what you said actually made sense. But in reality, the phrase sets you up for a lose-lose situation. At best, it makes you sound like you’re unsure of yourself. Like you don’t believe in what you said. For example, “I was thinking we could move tomorrow’s meeting due to the weather, with traffic and all. Does that make sense?” And at worst, you risk offending your listener, because it assumes that they may not have understood what you said, when they definitely did. For instance, “So you just connect these two parts here and it’ll start working. Does that make sense?” To prevent either of these undesirable outcomes, it’s best to totally omit the question or replace it with “What are your thoughts?” or “How does that sound?”

Every time you catch yourself about to downplay your presence, pause and reconsider how you can phrase your thoughts assertively, without the sound of self-doubt. Remember, your contributions are valuable, and expressing them confidently can change not only how others perceive you but also how you perceive yourself.

So instead, focus on phrasing that builds upon or breaks down the issue being raised.

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